cant write enough

I cant do it. Plain and simple. It is sad to think that I cant find the time to write at least a little every day. I wish you guys the best of luck.

Nov 8th My name, whee!

Right up front I would like to thank Laurie for this topic. It excites me to no end. That was heavy sarcasm bordering on a light sprinkling of spite.

I was named by grandfather. He named me after his grandfather who he loved and admired. My grandfather was a man I looked up to and respected. I suppose my grandchild will feel the same about me. It seems to be a pattern. I grew up in a big family where there were half brothers and sisters and nothing was directly connected by pure blood lines. I also, for other reasons I won't mention, was singled out and doted on by my relatives. I felt special and unique. So to have the first and middle name of Joe and Burt, you can only imagine how excited I was. I also grew up in the country where three out of five kids dads were drivers for Nascar or truck drivers. I continuously worked to remove myself from that environment. My name didn't help the cause one bit. So I went by J.B. too, trying to find some solace in my personality disorder. That too sounded rural. After years of never liking the sound of my own name and cringing when I heard Joe Blow or Joe Shmoe or Joe Cool I changed the spelling. It is now JBee. I can't explain why it worked but it has. I am okay with JBee for now.

Nov 6th - Songs of Importance

{As a warning, I will be quoting, copying and pasting like a motherfunker today. I am not doing this out of laziness. I just feel like it is required}

It will sound cheesy I know. The Flaming lips song "Do You Realize?" that can be found on the Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots album is my song of choice. It is such a simple song, lyrically and in composition. It is almost a mantra for me. This song does make me realize that life is very simple. Every person is beautiful in one way or a thousand. It's the calming blanket statement an over analyzing, hyperventilating person like myself needs on a regular basis. I Heart Huckabees lines to follow...

"Then over here, this is the Eiffel tower, right? It's Paris. And this is a war. And this is, uh, a museum. And this is a disease. And this is an orgasm. And this is a hamburger. - Everything is the same even if it's different. - Exactly."

This makes me feel better. Knowing we are all part of cosmos. Its comforting. Thanks for listening.

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize

i can't stop to start

*Disclaimer* I can not understand the concept of finishing a story it seems. There is always more to be written! The stories I post will most likely end abruptly for no apparent reason. The only excuse I find to stop writing a current story is to sleep or work or write a new blog. Help me Tom Cruise.

Nov 5th - Anyting you want.

The sleek lioness slips through tall textured grasses as naturally as water flowing through the deep stream to her side. She disturbs nothing in her path and nothing keeps her from her prey. This barely bruised pink little piggy barely a youth and completely delicious. Why should she single him out when there are far far more attractive things to devour and most likely much easier to catch? We may never know the way it works out in her mind. Some call it instinct. I call it fate. The little piggy rests in his little world. He is content. He has no understanding of the lioness and her intent. He has never encountered one like her before. Alligators and hyenas. These are familiar dangers. Masks of instinct and fear ripple through the memories of those encounters. The looping laughter and the watery hissing. How those sounds resonate into the little piggy's memories, into his muscles and even fine hair fibers. Nothing remotely similar to Her. Nothing whatsoever to remind him of those horrible teeth and claws, glazed eyes and snapping jaws. In fact this little piggy finds the lioness to be a stunning and gorgeous creature. So unlike himself and so mysterious. The initial meeting of the two beasts plays out differently, more so than any third person could possibly foresee.

The lioness has every ability of endless combination to conquer and divide ham hocks from tenderloins, innocence from stupidity. She does not even consider her precise deadliness as it's natural for her to not have to think about these things. Like the pink piggy, she too works mainly off instinct.

Nov 4th Big Decisions

Unlike others posts regarding this topic mine will be anticlimactic to say the least. I am just a'warning you dear reader.

My biggest decision is not to make decisions. The important ones I keep on the back burner mostly, letting them simmer until I have been distracted long enough for them to boil over and I am forced to make a quick and hasty decision. I call this Living in the Moment while others might call it procrastination or avoidance. Without going to the car to find the mascara and eyeliner left over from Halloween I will try to keep this as least emo as possible. My biggest decisions are waking up in the morning, going to work, interacting with people and being a good father (not fooling anyone by the way). I am proud of myself when I wake up on time to be at work by nine forty five in the morning. I remember not waking for days or not having any friends at all. I make these choices and, in my opinion, they are some times very difficult ones. Bravo to me for being the lamest poster of the century. :)

Serial Killer 11-03-08

The endorphin rush gets me home with just enough energy to clumsily lock the door behind me and collapse on to the hard unforgiving living room floor. The cold tiles are a welcomed contrast to the heat pouring out my over worked body. Who is next? I can only wait for an answer. He will eventually crawl out from the darkest corners of my mind, dance on the tip of my tongue and molest my eyelids until I am forced to open them again. Until that time comes I will think of nothing that he is so concerned with. The destruction. The blood. The tears. The laughter. Fuck! I am thinking of the darkest things after all. Or is he? I can never tell these days. He is so good at tricking me into this mindset. This irrevocable pattern.

I used to like it when I could escape from them all. I would be the one crawling into his darkest hiding places to find precious sleep. I didn't want to change the world! Sleep was the hidden treasure I was after and I suppose I found it too. That is where we met, him and I. In the world between sleep and those darkest places. I remember the long talks we would have. I thought he was the smartest person I had ever met. Funny too! He was so clever. That was how he eventually made a cozy little home inside my life. We simply spent too much time together. I let him search through the deepest places in my mind, places I had never even traveled to before.

One Friday night after work I was depressed and thinking of the life I have lived, or not lived, and I wanted to chat with him to clear things in my head. He was the best listener I had ever talked to. It was as if he could read my mind. Every topic of discussion was laid out exactly as I would have wanted it. So I went searching for him. Desperately. I searched for what felt like days. I looked in any place we had hung out. He was no where to be found and the others, well, they were never keen on having conversations with me. I traveled through the that world for days and checked every corner. It was as if he had disappeared completely. I was frustrated and beyond tired. I lost my temper and struck one of the others. They spoke to me then, in fear of what I would do if the silence continued. They explained that he made them promise to never speak to me. He told them that he was leaving their world and I was to take his place. He was the creator and they could only obey his orders. I reminded them of him. They told me that I was very similar to the boy they remember in the past. He was young once. He was a kindhearted person. He didn't creep through the shadows talking to himself back in those days. No, he was much like me then. I couldn't take it. The way they would look at me with such hope and admiration. They were only trying to distract me. Just like him! I told them that I would not stay in their world. I had a real life elsewhere that I had to be in. I had a daughter and a family that cared about me. They didn't care about these things. These once quiet and peaceful strangers became enraged and grew to become monstrous and frightening. They said I could never leave. It was his plan and nothing could stop it. I surprised every one there and myself. Instead of running or fighting them all, I simply slept.

I slept for so long that he eventually came back to me. He was a changed man. He told me that he was sorry to have tricked me so deftly. He was selfish and naive. He didn't know then what he understood so clearly now. He needed me. He needed the long talks. He was dying without me. I felt so relieved to see him. I had slept for so long that my dreams became a reality that was hellish and repetitive. I agreed to his offer wholeheartedly. We had to see each other to survive. I would live in my world half the time and then in his world the other half. We would never discuss what happened while we were in each others realms. I was happy again. The others were not happy at all. They tried to plead with me though he would not hear of it. They retreated back to their homes and were silent once again...



{And this is the only logical place I could find to stop. I could write about this story for a long while but tomorrow is another blog. Sheesh.}

Haiku, how dare you! 11-02-08

Shades of pale dead flesh
With blood encrusted jewels
Scare me to no end

Even in daylight
I think Those That Must Be Kept
Wake to my nightmares

Dogs can find their homes
From hundreds of miles away.
Werewolves don't need maps